so erm... I'm going to China

I spoke to the boyfriend on skype the other day and he introduced me to his cousins. They are so cute! They are three, eight, and about 15ish. However, I really need to learn how to say something in Chinese besides hello and smiling and waving.

which brings me to what I will be doing in the next few weeks...

Come back

The boyfriend left for China yesterday for 2 months. This shall be no fun. Haven't heard from him yet :(

An emotionally tinged technical rant

Doesn't happen often.

I have to contribute to a blog through blogspot for school, and signed in to do so, but since I already have this blog, it signed me in as nuggets in that blog! eek! That is a professional blog that colleges may read, I cannot call myself nuggets wtf! And then if you click on my profile it points you this blog! I don't even let my boyfriend or best friends read my blog, now teachers and admission officers can have access to it?!?

After much stress and frustration, I gave my other email address posting and admin rights to this blog. But then I had to revoke my rights for my previous email. Maybe I'm just a softie, but it made me so sad! Like I was giving away everything I had worked on, my thoughts, opinions, and my personal progress/development WTF. I even made a Wordpress blog to replace this one, but didn't like their format so decided not to use it. Then I changed my account name for previous email to my name and not nuggets haha.

Probably not very interesting, but my sad story okay!

Oh, but still slightly pissed because now it's a pain to constantly switch back and forth between my two emails. But then I found the google multiple accounts feature, and got excited only to find out it doesn't work on blogger T_T the only google product I need it to! Grrr okay goodbye. Problems are solved.

Oh and just realized pics aren't showing up for previous post, sorry! the links are still there if you want!

Another Ulzzang style post

Hi, another superficial post here, but not for long. I am really itching to write one on gay rights, so expect that to come. I'm not strictly intellectual or superficial, but rather a mixture, that's why I write on immigration one day and fashion the next. However, no one reads my rambly posts and it takes a while to write them. For now... I've been looking through yesstyle's site and I think I will ask for a few of these for my birthday. I'm excited because all quite cheap, I just hope good quality also. Most under 20USD!

Once again, this might not be exactly Ulzzang, but I love Asian fashion in general.
Do you know where else you can buy Ulzzang style clothes? That cheaply ships to U.S.?

pompom nordic hoodie
This one is from Tokyo Fashion (I know Ulzzang is Korean. I'm talking about Asian fashion in general.) I've always been attracted to Nordic prints, but felt silly if they had mooses and whatnot on them, this is a cute toned down version. I love the caramel color!
color block blouse

chiffon bow blouse

long stripey boat neck top
I looove this top! they have a green and brown striped one that I like too, but I will probably just get this one.
collegiate knit top
I almost like the gray version of this more, but I have too many gray clothes, and the black is cute also! very cute preppy vibe.
holey sweater
I'm not sure if I want this one or not, I like holey sweaters, but I think I may like something of a chunkier knit better. We'll see
black lace shorts
I wouldn't wear these with shorts like in the picture, but under skirts and dresses that are a bit short. the lace ends are super cute also.
cute over-sized sweatshirt
I'm a bit unsure of this one because it's so oversized and I'm flat chested, so I don't want to look like a drowned puppy, but I really want to test out some baggier styles.
nordic pompom hat
I've been wanting a cute hat for sometime, and love this one!
bow jacket
I don't think I will end up buying this one, because if I do need a jacket, it will be next year if I go to school back east, then I will need a much bigger one, so not much use spending money on this little thing. Also it comes in light gray and black. I don't like the light gray and since I have long blonde hair, loose strands of hair will always get stuck on the black and be annoying.

So that is all... bye

D;

I am so sad. For Christamas, Guy got me the Shiseido the skincare moisturizers for day and night. Not even a month later, I knocked the day one off the counter and it broke D: It spilled all over the floor and I couldn't save it because there was broken glass and dirt in it. There was a tiny bit in the bottom of the bottle that didn't spill so I  emptied out the contents of a hand sanitizer gift (Yes my aunt buys me hand sanitizer for Xmas I have 5 now :/ oh and soap too, even though it does smell nice and is from Bath&Body Works).  That is my sad story #firstworldproblems

But... I shouldn't complain too much. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My birthday is in 8 days and my mom might get me a new one for my b-day. AND I WILL BE CAREFUL WITH IT.

high end companies y u no use more durable materials?!

glass looks pretty but....

Ulzzang... A guilty pleasure

I usually write about serious issues and questions that plague my mind, but today I want to share one of my guilty pleasures. I really love Ulzzang style. I don't think I can really pull it off because I have fairly small eyes and don't like wearing a lot of makeup. Also I don't want people to call me an Asian wannabee, even though I think it's just a style, and anyone who likes it should be able to express themselves that way. Anyways, I just think Ulzzang girls are super cute. Examples... (If I incorrectly labelled these girls as Ulzzang, please do not snap at me. I am sorry)






She's caucasian actually, just likes Ulzzang style. I think she's adorable


I am absolutely in LOVE with her hair. I tried, but couldn't recreate it :(

I also really like Oiseau88's tutorials on Youtube. She is really cute also :)

So there you go... quite random post, but hope you enjoyed

ehh I'm on a posting frenzy all of a sudden

Oh really? Foreign aid is only 1.5% of our GDP. A whole whopping 1.5%.  I am totally for rebuilding America and am a huge supporter of healthcare, but cutting foreign aid just isn't what will do it. What about that 15% on military? And really, again I am pretty privileged, but I don't really see how you can compare people not having AC to those starving in war-stricken countries, that just sounds a bit silly, doesn't it? Heck, where I live it gets to be 110 and I have no AC. I believe that we should not just focus on ourselves. I want to see America thrive, but I don't just want to be a citizen of America. I want to be a citizen of the world. I want to see others have enough to eat and be protected from violence more than I want my AC. And I support foreign aid. In fact, I think it's what I want to do with my life.

sfhkj

I've been trying to teach myself how to say I don't speak Chinese. No luck yet. Tell you if I  ever find success wtf. 

O_o

Emails. Phone calls. Applications. Interviews O_o. Chinese Embassy in LA. Chinese Visa. Not getting lost in Beijing Airport when I only know how to say hello, goodbye, noodles, I love you, and happy birthday. A child's voice in Latin America. Tennessee Williams and sexuality in American theatre. Refugee and asylum status.  <-my week and next few weeks to come 

A young girl's rambling on immigration

I've decided to add a "A Young Girl's Ramblings" category to my blog. Basically, I will explore current issues and controversies,taken  mostly from the perspective of my government class. Don't expect answers, but merely a multitude of questions. I don't know how I feel about many of these issues, I'm just testing the waters and exploring. I encourage you to do so with me :)

Immigration. I like to think that as someone striving to become a global citizen, that is, a proactive member of the world, not just my home country, or state, or city, I would be in favor of immigration. After all, I do work for a refugee resettlement agency. I believe in helping people in compromising positions reach greater opportunity, which just might lie in the US.

However, I realize this is not practical. There is no way the US can help so many people. I know many would argue that we have to help our own people before we help others. This is a perfectly valid, understandable claim. It was voiced to me last Saturday at a car wash I was participating in for victims of the horn of Africa. I was standing on the street corner with S (name not provided for privacy), a child of Kenya with a Somali mother, and now a refugee in my home town. We were holding signs and asking for donations, when one gentlemen rolled down his window and asked in a sad, strained voice, "What about your own people?" "Help your own people first". That was before he flipped us off. He is not alone. Another man asked me "Where is the drought?", "Is it here?" "Let's focus on our own problems".

Their comments really struck me for a moment. They are perfectly rational, perfectly reasonable. They were rude, but I understood. Yes, I believe the US should help its own citizens first. I love my people and I'm not trying to give a blind eye towards their problems in exchange for another country's issues. Yes, our country has many problems right now. We are in a recession, many are struggling, and unemployment is at an all time high. I speak from a very privileged position. I have enough food, a three bedroom house, and am on my way to a first-rate education. Perhaps I don't understand the depths of our nations problems.

Yet, I have this itching sensation in the pit of my gut. We may have problems, but look around. We're not alone. The poorest in our country still have a standard of living far higher than the rich in other countries. How can we ignore other's problems, more grave than our own, because we need to focus on our country. This is probably silly and naive, but I really just wish we could focus on the collective globe as a whole, rather than sticking to labels and isolated, uncooperative beings (Not to say all nations are uncooperative, which certainly is not true).

That was a long tangent, but how involved should we be with other countries and their sea of problems? Should we welcome others to our country if they are peaceable and hardworking? I'm still torn. When does someone become an "American"? For example, if they have been in the States illegally for 20 years and have five American citizen children, can you really argue they're not American?  I do NOT think that that person should be deported because they need to be with their children. You cannot just separate them like that! But at the same time, if you don't allow the parent to be deported, practicality strikes again. Now anyone can stay in the US simply for having a child born on US soil. That will obviously not be a very effective deterrent against immigration. Also, consider this: Illegal immigrant detainees are not guaranteed the right to an attorney in trial. They are not guaranteed the Due process clause of the fourteenth amendment. This really startled me when I found out. Personally, I find this a bit disgraceful. I believe the right to a lawyer is a human right, rather than a civil right embedded in the constitution. How can you take away the right for your case to be processed fairly simply because you lack a piece of paper declaring you a US citizen?

My summer in a nutshell

Lately I've only been posting food entries, not what I've been up to lately.

Back in May, I barely survived finals with my best friend, Bethany. Our combatant: Physics. Over Easter, we spent over two days living at each others' houses legitly doing nothing but physics. We trashed both  of our rooms, both cried multiple times, and went so completely insane. We drew an image that made us both feel better though, it looked something like this:

Yep, that's right. It's Bethany and I kicking Physics' ass, a fat ass with a mole with a hair and a mom tattoo. This was VERY beneficial to my mental sanity.

Anyways, then I took my AP's which weren't stellar but I worked my butt off on so I really can't do more than feel happy about.  Okay my scores were still mostly good: a five, three fours, and a two. I know the two sucks monkey balls, but I don't want to beat myself up.

After everything was over, it was the most fabulous feeling. Like I'd been floundering around in warm jello, probably the cherry kind my Grandma always used to force down the throats of me and my cousins. After my stresses were through, temporarily at least, I was no longer getting my legs lodged in semi-solidified jello, I wasn't confined by jello-ey walls, I was no longer being silenced, stifled, and confined. I was finally just swimming in cool water. I really love the feeling of floating underwater, with my eyes closed in the deep end until I don't know which direction is up any longer and everything vanishes from my mind but the glorious feeling of the water on my skin.

Anyways, that was a very pretentious and ill thought out metaphor for how I felt, but anyways I liked it. Then, I had several days to do whatever I wished: nobody attended school- instead we went to the zoo and had a slip and slide extravaganza in the park.

Then I went to Oregon and was a counselor at a 6th grade camp. My cabin was atop a freaking mountain which my girls ( and myself, no doubt) climbed about 6 times every day. It was stressful being a counselor but well worth it and a great experience. *sentimental* My greatest influence was the staff because they were so goofy and lovable that you could tell they would really do anything to put a smile on the kids’ faces (such as tutu Tuesday, when all the staff, men and women, wore tutus). My strongest memory was when in the evenings at campfire right before bed, they would sing this very sentimental and touching song that just reminded me why I was there to be a counselor. It erased any stress or frustrations I had had throughout the day and reminded me that I was there to give these kids the time of their life and memories that would last forever.

Outdoor School Staff

Then, all of a sudden my ex boyfriend started talking to me after 5 months of silence. Geez, that was interesting. In a good way. He's a lazy butt who sits around watching anime all day (It's 1:26am and I'm sitting right next to him watching anime). But he's also a teddy bear who I've finally learned how to become friends with again, best friends actually, and seems like an older brother (even though I'm older than him haha)

Then, I took the SAT and ACT and did unusually bad in both of them*sigh * Try again, that's all I can do. Then I went to Boston and NY for two and a half weeks to visit colleges and family. I will post a separate post about my trip.

Then, I  started an internship at a refugee resettlement agency *Ugh sorry I'm getting really tired, I will talk about this in depth at another time.

After that, I've just been hanging out with friends and my ex boyfriend is staying at my house for 5 days because his parents are out of town and won't let him stay alone. That has actually been really fun, strangely enough. Then yesterday I threw a surprise b-day party for Bethany and now school starts in 2 days.

okay too tired, I have to go now

Bhutan's Other Side: is the highest per capita refugee population really the happiest place on earth?

Earlier this summer when I told my Grandmother that I would volunteer at a refugee resettlement agency, she asked where the most people were coming from these days. I said that I heard the majority were from Bhutan but I didn't know anything about Bhutan yet since I hadn't yet started. Today I got a letter from her in the mail and she included the following article she encountered (I don't know the source):

"High Spirits"
"Bhutan has come up with a warm and fuzzy way to access the state of the nation. Believing that bliss is more important than business, the tiny Himalayan country measures Gross National Happiness instead of Gross National Product. In a recent poll, 4% of people described themselves as unhappy, and 96% said that they were happy or, even better, very happy. :-)"


This was surrounded by pictures of smiling Bhutanese children.

Then she asked, If the people there are so happy why are they coming to this country?
Now that's a really good question that has a strange answer but I'm going to do my best to tell what I know of Bhutan because it's extremely fascinating.

Bhutan is situated in the Himalayas south of China, North of India, and to the right of Nepal.



Bhutan is nicknamed the "happiest place on earth" for its peaceful lifestyle and many celebrities have gone there for vacation. It's crazy expensive to visit and much of the country's income comes from tourism. It's one of the most undeveloped countries and had no proper roads, schooling, or currency until the 70's . It even had no law or government till 100 years ago.






As you can see, it's mindbogglingly gorgeous. Even I want to go there.
If you're interested here is a short 5 minute video showing you Bhutan.
I would also recommend "The Price of Knowledge" about a young Northern boy going to school in Bhutan

Since Bhutan was so underdeveloped until recently (and still is fairly underdeveloped by our standards), they hired Nepali laborers to help modernize the country by building roads and such. However, they stayed in Southern Bhutan until they eventually made up about 49% of the population, which freaked out the monarchy because they were scared of being overrun by the Southern Bhutanese (ethnically Nepali). Because of this, the government decided to institute a policy of Bhutanization, creating one nation with one culture. The Southern Bhutanese mostly speak Nepali, have slightly darker skin than Northern Bhutanese, and are Hindu as opposed to the Buddhist Northerners. I'm not sure how accurate this is but I've also heard that the expulsion was partially because they were afraid that the Southern Bhutanese were detrimental to Bhutan's tourism.

As you can see, this didn't fly with the one nation one culture policy so approximately 1/6 (100,000 ppl) of Bhutan's entire population was expelled. They were issued "voluntary" migration forms, but were forced to sign and flee if they didn't want to be arrested and tortured like many were. Despite all this, most of the Bhutanese I've spoken to say that they love their king still and seem convinced that this is not his doing (and that I do not know).
They've fled to Nepal, where they've been set up in refugee camps but that was 20 years ago! Not much has changed yet. Nepal won't accept the Southern Bhutanese to integrate them into their country and they are unable to leave the camps or hold jobs. They are also not allowed to return to Bhutan, although many love their home country and greatly with to return. Do you sense a problem here? This is a dead end! where are these people supposed to go? They can't even become self sufficient if not allowed to hold jobs  so there is no way they can make progress.

This is why the U.S. is stepping in and plans to slowly over many years take in about 60,000 of the 100,000 displaced refugees. And this is where I got to meet several Bhutanese! :D

What makes the Bhutanese situation so mysterious and elusive is that most Bhutanese will not speak of the refugee issue. If asked they will simply tell you that they do not speak of that. I was lucky to speak to a man who was open about it but most are not. I think this is part of why most people are completely unaware of the refugee situation in Bhutan.

here is another resource about Bhutanese refugees which is really interesting and short, if you're interested.
It's 1:41 in the morning so I'm going to go to sleep now.

bruschetta twist, cousin of the infamous tomato cheesie

When did this turn into a food blog? I even said nuggets cooking didn't happen often. I think it's just because it's summer and I have some spare time on my hands but here it goes:

1. Toast a slice of good quality bread (not the squishy white stuff they have these days; I used Trader Joe's Artisan bread)

2. Spread some Boursin cheese on your slice of bread. It comes in several different flavors. I used the garlic one and bought it for about $3.50 at Trader Joes.


3. Slice some cherry tomatoes (or any kind, really), yellow squash, red bell pepper, and a clove of garlic.

4. Melt a tablespoon of butter in a saucepan and add veggies, except for tomatoes and garlic. Add salt and pepper, then the garlic (it burns easily so we didn't want to put it in at the beginning). Let cook for a minute or so then add tomatoes and reduce heat to lowest setting (tomatoes added last because we don't want them to get mushy and fall apart). Add a dash of freshly grated parmesan cheese and stir to allow the cheese to melt and tie together the veggies' flavors.

5. Then spoon veggie mixture on to your bread  and boursin cheese. Top with a tad more parmesan and put in toaster oven for a minute to melt cheese. I was going to also add chives or green onions, but forgot. They would go well with this recipe but it is also delicious without.

Quinoa stir-fry

Guess who cooked again?
...
waits for guess
...
okay fine, I'll get on with it.

This time I made stir fry with quinoa. I'm not really sure what quinoa is, except that it's kind of like couscous and is a rice-like grain. Anyways, I started out by sauteing my veggies in about 2 tb of butter.

Said veggies: white onion, red onion, red bell pepper, and squash 

I ended up not using the green onions, tomato, and yellow cherry tomatoes because I had originally planned on putting them in a quesadilla but found out that I had no cheese. So quinoa  stir-fry it was.

Veggies cooking. Added a tad salt and pepper

Now, the quinoa bussiness...

I'm not the best chef, you see, I don't know how to cook quinoa. Somewhere online said to do 1 parts quinoa to 1 and 1/2 parts water. so I did that except to make it more flavorful I used chicken stock instead of water and let me tell you, that was an excellent choice. however, it seemed like that wasn't enough water so I added a bit more liquid, let it absorb, and let sit for 5 minutes. Then, I stirred in my veggies and added some corn from the freezer for sweetness. Now, let me tell you this is excellent and you can cook it in less than 30 minutes easily. I'm not even a fan of peppers or squash, but in this recipe I liked them.

um.. soup and salad (I need to think of better names for my creations)

I cooked *big wet eyes brimming with pride*

First, not too fancy, just a salad

Isn't she beautiful?

She was Whole Foods inspired. One day it was too hot outside to do anything so my mom and I decided to go there for entertainment and look at all the pretty foods we can't afford and take as many samples as possible. But anyways they had this arugula, red onion and corn salad.

So mine is arugula, lettuce, corn cut off the cob (because it's better that way), shallots, red onion, and I think that's all. I wanted Olive Garden dressing because it's da bomb wtf so I tried to make my own and adapted copykat's here. btw I just want to point out that I was very proud of myself for figuring out how to make the link go into just "here" instead of having all the bogus wtf.
I didn't have all the ingredients so I just left out the Romano cheese (replaced with freshly grated Parmesan), Italian seasoning, parsley flakes, lemon juice and sugar. wtf that's alot of ingredients left out but it still tasted good. I think I threw in some oregano, rosemary, and regular Italian dressing to make it a bit better. And I used more garlic, which is always a good thing. However, this dressing doesn't taste like Olive Garden's at all really to me (maybe with right ingredients), but I still liked it.


My other baby: I made this soup with Trader Joe's 10 beans mix or something like that. It's just a super colorful mix of beans in the bulk bins. However, I didn't know how to cook them and they were underdone even after 40 minutes cooking. But they added a nice flavor and the rest of the soup was good. I put in half an onion, some celery, four or so potatoes thinly sliced, and I can't remember if there was anything else. I cooked  them with the beans in chicken stock and as it cooked I put Colby Jack cheese in. My great Aunt Nena taught my mom this trick. It thickens the soup and also just makes the flavors all go together so much better. I usually also have a side of grated cheese so I can sprinkle even more on while I eat it. Sooo good.

It’s time to smell the roses.

I have been quite the grouch lately and generally unhappy but too stuck in my own little circle of frustration to realize I am the one making myself upset and I am the one who can chose to stop.

Recently I have met many incredible people; there’s the one who was going to be forced into the Ukrainian military, denied his rightfully earned scholarship in Kiev, and had his high school transcript taken by the government until he got a green card here and is now studying nursing and has been traveling all over the U.S. just trying to figure out what he wants to and where. 

The one who had been stuck working as a nanny in Ukraine because the government took her money and she couldn’t find a job even though she had a degree in food science (or whatever more formal and eloquent title that has) but then found love and came here only to have her husband die a year later and be stuck alone in a foreign country and not knowing what to do with her life (although now she has moved to Nebraska, found a job, and some friends and seems to be settling in nicely J).

 Or the one who married her husband after exchanging a few romantic letters only to find he was really an angry and abusive man with a pocketful of girlfriends and be unhappily stuck into that marriage for about 15-20 years, have a child with him and somehow manage to raise her son into one of the most honest, humble, and just incredible people I’ve come to know, finally stand up for herself and file for divorce, find a new love, and now trying to figure out how to get a job, care for her health, finance her son’s education, and stay in this country.

The one who grew up running from home to home, discovered a love for nature and hiking, been a father figure to many more people than he knows even though he swore he could never be a father, and helping a vast majority of these listed persons as each of them came across his path.

There are so many others too.

Generally I just feel inspired by all these people around me who have had to face struggle yet been shaped into the most kind, gentle, and ever-helpful people I have come to know.

I feel ashamed at shutting myself in my room putting every ounce of energy into my studies and not stopping to get to know any of them to now. I’m also embarrassed that here I have confined myself into my downward cycle of pain, always looking at the half empty glass, while I’ve had a far more fortunate youth yet not managed to find the joy they see in simple things.

I want to be a more open person. I want to do something with my life. And most importantly I think I want to dedicate my life to helping others. I am thinking about being a social worker, or a doctor, or who knows what else, but definitely a career where I get to help improve the lives of others, for that would make me feel like I have had a really lived a successful life, even if I could just  help one person.

I decided what I wanted to do this summer: I want to become a volunteer at Casa de los Niños and IRC, and tutor children in summer school at my old elementary school. That’s a start at least. However, I am really tempted to take on my most ambitious idea yet: for my senior research project and Thesis I want to help rebuild Japan.

This is going to be a super quick post because I have a shit load of work to do right now but have to let some steam loose.

It’s just that we spent such a great portion of our lives together and now that that’s over I feel empty, have no one to talk to and just don’t know what I’m even trying to do with my life right now.  Sorry for being so dramatic but I just don’t know what too without you. It’s been months but I still cry over you every few days and I’m absolutely positive that you never felt hurt or sad throughout this whole ordeal. The only pain you ever felt was for me because you didn’t want to hurt me.

 I just feel so fucking stupid. You tried to make it easy on me—you said you wanted to be best friends, I thought we would be lifelong friends; you said you had fun with me. But those times are over. We never speak in school, you never call me, and if I do you end the conversation in a few brief minutes, don’t answer at all, or barely say anything because you’re just playing your stupid video games. Typing this, I cringe. This is never who I wanted to become. Since when am I the stupid ex you’ve been trying to ditch but just let go of you?

 You really don’t care about me at all anymore. At this point I really just want to be friends. Really that’s all but you don’t even care. This is so sad but I don’t even blame you. I’m not interesting or funny or anything. I started this blog because I wanted to let out who I really was but I don’t have anything to let out besides depressing entries of my bleeding heart. And I feel like I don’t even have friends to rely on. My only friends are closer to you than myself and I just really can’t take listening to you guys laugh and joke and them wearing your jacket or putting their head on your shoulder.

I don’t even want to publish this but fuck this shit I just want to spill my guts even if I don’t like what’s coming out. Next time I WILL write about something different because i need to find something within myself besides you.

emo but optimistic

Sometimes I really don’t know what ever happened to you.  I used to think that you were the best person ever but lately I just end up wondering why I ever did and feel so stupid. I loved everything about you and wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I still pray every night for God to watch over you and for you to get into a university where you will be happy, and I pray that your mom does well in her studies, and that she can find a job when she graduates, and that her boyfriend is nice to her after everything she’s been through because I love her like my own mother, and that you are okay with them dating, and so much more.

 I still want good things to happen to you but I feel like I don’t know you at all. And how can that be after all the time we spent together? After nearly two years of taking to you every night, after eating lunch with you every day, after letting you see me cry for the first time in the hotel hallway, telling you that I was scared, I didn’t want you to leave the country, or Arizona, our school or my arms. And you wiped my tears away and told me you were afraid too and you didn’t know what was going to happen, but you knew you loved me, and then you read me the bible and sat there with me until I felt okay with uncertainties because we would face them together.

That day seems so far away now and I feel like I don’t even like who you’ve become. You’re funny but now it’s like you have no substance whatsoever. You, the one who taught me to pray, who made me laugh when I was grumpy, taught me how to smile and crack a joke once in a while, who helped me make friends when I didn’t have any, who … I can’t even think of any fucking examples right now but you really made me a better person in so many ways.     

You, the one who called me right now while writing this entry to say sorry and make sure I was okay because you knew I was sad. Why do you know me so well while I don’t know you at all? Why do you know when I’m crying and can make me start laughing again a few minutes later when I know that your heart isn’t here with me anymore? Why can I get so upset over you but you can always fix it so that when the night ends I go to sleep clutching the stuffed animals you gave me wishing you well.

Well the future didn’t work out the way that we planned, but I know it’s okay this way. we will be okay. And I know deep down that you’re still the same dorky Asian boy I first met. Maybe you are changing but you still have the same sweetness somewhere even if it’s not with me, and I know that you will do great things with your life, and I’m proud of you. I guess all I wanted was for you to be happy but I know you are and you will be and God will take care of you.  So maybe after all this I did get what I wanted.  I still want to be your friend, to play your silly Chinese computer games from your childhood with you, to talk to you about random crap, and to call you a big butt.

After all this I realize we will be just fine.

The past, present and future

One should let go of things that hurt them, right? If you grab a hot plate you immediately let go and send it flying without a second thought. But unfortunately life is just a little bit more complicated than that. What if that same thing that hurt you was also your sole source of happiness? The one thing that made you feel the most liberated, the most free and for once understood and accepted. That never made you hold back an ounce and for once made you throw back your head and laugh. Well folks, that just about hits home for me, maybe drive one street over or around that block a bit but it’s close enough.  What is one supposed to do when you’ve channeled every ounce of your being to carve out a small and modest path, gently winding around the curves of a sea shell? When you’ve planned to lazily drift down that path at his side with a soft smile permanently at home upon your lips. But then, the tide comes and slowly fills your path with shimmering sand, the water becomes a little murky yet you calmly begin spooning it out with cupped hands in an attempt to recover the only path you’d known.  But all to no avail for when your brow furrows with a rapid panic, the tide sweeps back your path with greater force and it becomes but a lost shell swept up in the muddy waters of a foamy whiteness.  You walk down that shore in search of some comfort, something familiar to find that the sea goes out for eternity and whatever path you had in mind is forever lost, like so many others under the waves. So now you’re left sitting in the wet sand wondering what you’ll ever do from here on out. And while there’s a friendly shadow smiling at your side, it’s only a shadow.

It may be a bit abstract, but that’s how I feel. The future I know we once both felt so sure of has drifted away and I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s all I ever planned and now imp left questioning what I even want anymore, since the only desire I had is simply unattainable. When I feel lost and lonely, you may be unsure of your direction, but at least you are content to follow wherever it leads you while I’m sitting here stubbornly cross-legged in the fork of the road because the only path I wanted has disappeared and I can’t bring myself to my feet and start to walk off in a new direction.

the looming danger

Here I am sitting on my bed propped up with lumpy pillows that need washing. Laying amongst my half open books and papers, I sit under my ceiling, still covered with glow in the dark stars, windows covered with curtains I made myself in sixth grade. I remember finding the perfect fabric, an aqua fleece with swirling waves, I remember how I had to ship the fabric from Nebraska, and had been so happy to find it. Now, I see the uneven seems, most of which have come undone and unraveled, so that the ends are now all frayed and the sun has faded them so a cucumber shade. Sitting here, with my un-brushed teeth, my unwashed face, my uncombed hair, and dirty clothes, I am. I’ve slept in till two, missed my roller derby practice, and spent my day with a box of cheezits, some chocolate hearts gifted to me on my seventeenth birthday from my mom’s boyfriend, and three mini cans of dr. pepper.  I’ve remained in this same position for most of the day, with book and flashcards trying to memorize defense mechanisms of the immune system, but instead only busying myself with my munchies and surfing my favorite blogs. 

Today I’ve realized that I only have three months left of my junior year, which shall be celebrated with 4 AP tests, the SAT, the ACT, and two SAT II’S.  then to be followed by becoming a 6^th grade camp counselor  in Oregon for a week, throwing a surprise going away party for my graduating ex boyfriend, possibly accompanying him to China for a week or two, becoming a page at the library I’ve been volunteering at every summer since 8^th grade, possibly becoming a life guard at the old pool I used to do swim team at or volunteering through the red cross, or volunteering  at UMC , or conducting a bio research internship at U of A, and then trying to figure out where the hell I want to go to college and trying to visit all those places on a budget, and start drafting my college app essays, then start senior year, take my capstone classes, talk to my school counselor about college, go to more college presentations, retake my sucky SATs, figure out what I want to do for my senior research project and thesis, travel to whatever part of the world that involves, oh yeah, apply to college, get in (hopefully), somehow muster enough cash to go there, and after all that, pray to God that I made the right decision since I’ll be there for the next four years of my life.

Seriously, it’s not easy being a student you know. It’s not easy battling the constant feeling that you’re stupid. Especially when you go to the supposed #1 public high school in the nation and are surrounded by smart ass slackers getting the top grades, knowing what they want to do, being involved, actually having friends, and seeming so unfazed by this aura of stress looming over my head. How and when did high school get so competitive? I mean really, clearly from this entry I do this too, but what happened to actually having a life, preferably a good one? I’ve had a solid B in math for as long as I can remember. This year in calculus I’ve done every homework, got semi ok grades on most of my tests,  but whenever my teacher actually calls on me my brain just falls out of my ears or something, and the only thing that comes to mind to answer her questions is just some incredibly stupid and incomprehensible babble. This is a problem for me in most of my classes. Teachers, okay after you teach/explain a subject I will remember it forever and know how to answer the test questions but why the hell do you feel the need to prey upon me before you’ve even covered a subject? And why must you call upon me right as I look down at my notebook adjusting my graph in my notes, so that at that precise second I did not hear the question even though I swear I was listening and have to ask you to repeat it as my face immediately turns hot and an unflattering shade of red, and my dear-in-the-headlights eyes will terrifyingly look up at yours, which are now fiery with silent rage? Okay I’m sorry I’m just dumb but I’ll try my hardest so don’t kill me, will you?