Here I am sitting on my bed propped up with lumpy pillows that need washing. Laying amongst my half open books and papers, I sit under my ceiling, still covered with glow in the dark stars, windows covered with curtains I made myself in sixth grade. I remember finding the perfect fabric, an aqua fleece with swirling waves, I remember how I had to ship the fabric from Nebraska, and had been so happy to find it. Now, I see the uneven seems, most of which have come undone and unraveled, so that the ends are now all frayed and the sun has faded them so a cucumber shade. Sitting here, with my un-brushed teeth, my unwashed face, my uncombed hair, and dirty clothes, I am. I’ve slept in till two, missed my roller derby practice, and spent my day with a box of cheezits, some chocolate hearts gifted to me on my seventeenth birthday from my mom’s boyfriend, and three mini cans of dr. pepper. I’ve remained in this same position for most of the day, with book and flashcards trying to memorize defense mechanisms of the immune system, but instead only busying myself with my munchies and surfing my favorite blogs.
Today I’ve realized that I only have three months left of my junior year, which shall be celebrated with 4 AP tests, the SAT, the ACT, and two SAT II’S. then to be followed by becoming a 6th grade camp counselor in Oregon for a week, throwing a surprise going away party for my graduating ex boyfriend, possibly accompanying him to China for a week or two, becoming a page at the library I’ve been volunteering at every summer since 8th grade, possibly becoming a life guard at the old pool I used to do swim team at or volunteering through the red cross, or volunteering at UMC , or conducting a bio research internship at U of A, and then trying to figure out where the hell I want to go to college and trying to visit all those places on a budget, and start drafting my college app essays, then start senior year, take my capstone classes, talk to my school counselor about college, go to more college presentations, retake my sucky SATs, figure out what I want to do for my senior research project and thesis, travel to whatever part of the world that involves, oh yeah, apply to college, get in (hopefully), somehow muster enough cash to go there, and after all that, pray to God that I made the right decision since I’ll be there for the next four years of my life.
Seriously, it’s not easy being a student you know. It’s not easy battling the constant feeling that you’re stupid. Especially when you go to the supposed #1 public high school in the nation and are surrounded by smart ass slackers getting the top grades, knowing what they want to do, being involved, actually having friends, and seeming so unfazed by this aura of stress looming over my head. How and when did high school get so competitive? I mean really, clearly from this entry I do this too, but what happened to actually having a life, preferably a good one? I’ve had a solid B in math for as long as I can remember. This year in calculus I’ve done every homework, got semi ok grades on most of my tests, but whenever my teacher actually calls on me my brain just falls out of my ears or something, and the only thing that comes to mind to answer her questions is just some incredibly stupid and incomprehensible babble. This is a problem for me in most of my classes. Teachers, okay after you teach/explain a subject I will remember it forever and know how to answer the test questions but why the hell do you feel the need to prey upon me before you’ve even covered a subject? And why must you call upon me right as I look down at my notebook adjusting my graph in my notes, so that at that precise second I did not hear the question even though I swear I was listening and have to ask you to repeat it as my face immediately turns hot and an unflattering shade of red, and my dear-in-the-headlights eyes will terrifyingly look up at yours, which are now fiery with silent rage? Okay I’m sorry I’m just dumb but I’ll try my hardest so don’t kill me, will you?
