Come back

The boyfriend left for China yesterday for 2 months. This shall be no fun. Haven't heard from him yet :(

D;

I am so sad. For Christamas, Guy got me the Shiseido the skincare moisturizers for day and night. Not even a month later, I knocked the day one off the counter and it broke D: It spilled all over the floor and I couldn't save it because there was broken glass and dirt in it. There was a tiny bit in the bottom of the bottle that didn't spill so I  emptied out the contents of a hand sanitizer gift (Yes my aunt buys me hand sanitizer for Xmas I have 5 now :/ oh and soap too, even though it does smell nice and is from Bath&Body Works).  That is my sad story #firstworldproblems

But... I shouldn't complain too much. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My birthday is in 8 days and my mom might get me a new one for my b-day. AND I WILL BE CAREFUL WITH IT.

high end companies y u no use more durable materials?!

glass looks pretty but....

This is going to be a super quick post because I have a shit load of work to do right now but have to let some steam loose.

It’s just that we spent such a great portion of our lives together and now that that’s over I feel empty, have no one to talk to and just don’t know what I’m even trying to do with my life right now.  Sorry for being so dramatic but I just don’t know what too without you. It’s been months but I still cry over you every few days and I’m absolutely positive that you never felt hurt or sad throughout this whole ordeal. The only pain you ever felt was for me because you didn’t want to hurt me.

 I just feel so fucking stupid. You tried to make it easy on me—you said you wanted to be best friends, I thought we would be lifelong friends; you said you had fun with me. But those times are over. We never speak in school, you never call me, and if I do you end the conversation in a few brief minutes, don’t answer at all, or barely say anything because you’re just playing your stupid video games. Typing this, I cringe. This is never who I wanted to become. Since when am I the stupid ex you’ve been trying to ditch but just let go of you?

 You really don’t care about me at all anymore. At this point I really just want to be friends. Really that’s all but you don’t even care. This is so sad but I don’t even blame you. I’m not interesting or funny or anything. I started this blog because I wanted to let out who I really was but I don’t have anything to let out besides depressing entries of my bleeding heart. And I feel like I don’t even have friends to rely on. My only friends are closer to you than myself and I just really can’t take listening to you guys laugh and joke and them wearing your jacket or putting their head on your shoulder.

I don’t even want to publish this but fuck this shit I just want to spill my guts even if I don’t like what’s coming out. Next time I WILL write about something different because i need to find something within myself besides you.

emo but optimistic

Sometimes I really don’t know what ever happened to you.  I used to think that you were the best person ever but lately I just end up wondering why I ever did and feel so stupid. I loved everything about you and wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I still pray every night for God to watch over you and for you to get into a university where you will be happy, and I pray that your mom does well in her studies, and that she can find a job when she graduates, and that her boyfriend is nice to her after everything she’s been through because I love her like my own mother, and that you are okay with them dating, and so much more.

 I still want good things to happen to you but I feel like I don’t know you at all. And how can that be after all the time we spent together? After nearly two years of taking to you every night, after eating lunch with you every day, after letting you see me cry for the first time in the hotel hallway, telling you that I was scared, I didn’t want you to leave the country, or Arizona, our school or my arms. And you wiped my tears away and told me you were afraid too and you didn’t know what was going to happen, but you knew you loved me, and then you read me the bible and sat there with me until I felt okay with uncertainties because we would face them together.

That day seems so far away now and I feel like I don’t even like who you’ve become. You’re funny but now it’s like you have no substance whatsoever. You, the one who taught me to pray, who made me laugh when I was grumpy, taught me how to smile and crack a joke once in a while, who helped me make friends when I didn’t have any, who … I can’t even think of any fucking examples right now but you really made me a better person in so many ways.     

You, the one who called me right now while writing this entry to say sorry and make sure I was okay because you knew I was sad. Why do you know me so well while I don’t know you at all? Why do you know when I’m crying and can make me start laughing again a few minutes later when I know that your heart isn’t here with me anymore? Why can I get so upset over you but you can always fix it so that when the night ends I go to sleep clutching the stuffed animals you gave me wishing you well.

Well the future didn’t work out the way that we planned, but I know it’s okay this way. we will be okay. And I know deep down that you’re still the same dorky Asian boy I first met. Maybe you are changing but you still have the same sweetness somewhere even if it’s not with me, and I know that you will do great things with your life, and I’m proud of you. I guess all I wanted was for you to be happy but I know you are and you will be and God will take care of you.  So maybe after all this I did get what I wanted.  I still want to be your friend, to play your silly Chinese computer games from your childhood with you, to talk to you about random crap, and to call you a big butt.

After all this I realize we will be just fine.

The past, present and future

One should let go of things that hurt them, right? If you grab a hot plate you immediately let go and send it flying without a second thought. But unfortunately life is just a little bit more complicated than that. What if that same thing that hurt you was also your sole source of happiness? The one thing that made you feel the most liberated, the most free and for once understood and accepted. That never made you hold back an ounce and for once made you throw back your head and laugh. Well folks, that just about hits home for me, maybe drive one street over or around that block a bit but it’s close enough.  What is one supposed to do when you’ve channeled every ounce of your being to carve out a small and modest path, gently winding around the curves of a sea shell? When you’ve planned to lazily drift down that path at his side with a soft smile permanently at home upon your lips. But then, the tide comes and slowly fills your path with shimmering sand, the water becomes a little murky yet you calmly begin spooning it out with cupped hands in an attempt to recover the only path you’d known.  But all to no avail for when your brow furrows with a rapid panic, the tide sweeps back your path with greater force and it becomes but a lost shell swept up in the muddy waters of a foamy whiteness.  You walk down that shore in search of some comfort, something familiar to find that the sea goes out for eternity and whatever path you had in mind is forever lost, like so many others under the waves. So now you’re left sitting in the wet sand wondering what you’ll ever do from here on out. And while there’s a friendly shadow smiling at your side, it’s only a shadow.

It may be a bit abstract, but that’s how I feel. The future I know we once both felt so sure of has drifted away and I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s all I ever planned and now imp left questioning what I even want anymore, since the only desire I had is simply unattainable. When I feel lost and lonely, you may be unsure of your direction, but at least you are content to follow wherever it leads you while I’m sitting here stubbornly cross-legged in the fork of the road because the only path I wanted has disappeared and I can’t bring myself to my feet and start to walk off in a new direction.