emo but optimistic

Sometimes I really don’t know what ever happened to you.  I used to think that you were the best person ever but lately I just end up wondering why I ever did and feel so stupid. I loved everything about you and wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I still pray every night for God to watch over you and for you to get into a university where you will be happy, and I pray that your mom does well in her studies, and that she can find a job when she graduates, and that her boyfriend is nice to her after everything she’s been through because I love her like my own mother, and that you are okay with them dating, and so much more.

 I still want good things to happen to you but I feel like I don’t know you at all. And how can that be after all the time we spent together? After nearly two years of taking to you every night, after eating lunch with you every day, after letting you see me cry for the first time in the hotel hallway, telling you that I was scared, I didn’t want you to leave the country, or Arizona, our school or my arms. And you wiped my tears away and told me you were afraid too and you didn’t know what was going to happen, but you knew you loved me, and then you read me the bible and sat there with me until I felt okay with uncertainties because we would face them together.

That day seems so far away now and I feel like I don’t even like who you’ve become. You’re funny but now it’s like you have no substance whatsoever. You, the one who taught me to pray, who made me laugh when I was grumpy, taught me how to smile and crack a joke once in a while, who helped me make friends when I didn’t have any, who … I can’t even think of any fucking examples right now but you really made me a better person in so many ways.     

You, the one who called me right now while writing this entry to say sorry and make sure I was okay because you knew I was sad. Why do you know me so well while I don’t know you at all? Why do you know when I’m crying and can make me start laughing again a few minutes later when I know that your heart isn’t here with me anymore? Why can I get so upset over you but you can always fix it so that when the night ends I go to sleep clutching the stuffed animals you gave me wishing you well.

Well the future didn’t work out the way that we planned, but I know it’s okay this way. we will be okay. And I know deep down that you’re still the same dorky Asian boy I first met. Maybe you are changing but you still have the same sweetness somewhere even if it’s not with me, and I know that you will do great things with your life, and I’m proud of you. I guess all I wanted was for you to be happy but I know you are and you will be and God will take care of you.  So maybe after all this I did get what I wanted.  I still want to be your friend, to play your silly Chinese computer games from your childhood with you, to talk to you about random crap, and to call you a big butt.

After all this I realize we will be just fine.