emo but optimistic

Sometimes I really don’t know what ever happened to you.  I used to think that you were the best person ever but lately I just end up wondering why I ever did and feel so stupid. I loved everything about you and wanted nothing more than for you to be happy. I still pray every night for God to watch over you and for you to get into a university where you will be happy, and I pray that your mom does well in her studies, and that she can find a job when she graduates, and that her boyfriend is nice to her after everything she’s been through because I love her like my own mother, and that you are okay with them dating, and so much more.

 I still want good things to happen to you but I feel like I don’t know you at all. And how can that be after all the time we spent together? After nearly two years of taking to you every night, after eating lunch with you every day, after letting you see me cry for the first time in the hotel hallway, telling you that I was scared, I didn’t want you to leave the country, or Arizona, our school or my arms. And you wiped my tears away and told me you were afraid too and you didn’t know what was going to happen, but you knew you loved me, and then you read me the bible and sat there with me until I felt okay with uncertainties because we would face them together.

That day seems so far away now and I feel like I don’t even like who you’ve become. You’re funny but now it’s like you have no substance whatsoever. You, the one who taught me to pray, who made me laugh when I was grumpy, taught me how to smile and crack a joke once in a while, who helped me make friends when I didn’t have any, who … I can’t even think of any fucking examples right now but you really made me a better person in so many ways.     

You, the one who called me right now while writing this entry to say sorry and make sure I was okay because you knew I was sad. Why do you know me so well while I don’t know you at all? Why do you know when I’m crying and can make me start laughing again a few minutes later when I know that your heart isn’t here with me anymore? Why can I get so upset over you but you can always fix it so that when the night ends I go to sleep clutching the stuffed animals you gave me wishing you well.

Well the future didn’t work out the way that we planned, but I know it’s okay this way. we will be okay. And I know deep down that you’re still the same dorky Asian boy I first met. Maybe you are changing but you still have the same sweetness somewhere even if it’s not with me, and I know that you will do great things with your life, and I’m proud of you. I guess all I wanted was for you to be happy but I know you are and you will be and God will take care of you.  So maybe after all this I did get what I wanted.  I still want to be your friend, to play your silly Chinese computer games from your childhood with you, to talk to you about random crap, and to call you a big butt.

After all this I realize we will be just fine.

The past, present and future

One should let go of things that hurt them, right? If you grab a hot plate you immediately let go and send it flying without a second thought. But unfortunately life is just a little bit more complicated than that. What if that same thing that hurt you was also your sole source of happiness? The one thing that made you feel the most liberated, the most free and for once understood and accepted. That never made you hold back an ounce and for once made you throw back your head and laugh. Well folks, that just about hits home for me, maybe drive one street over or around that block a bit but it’s close enough.  What is one supposed to do when you’ve channeled every ounce of your being to carve out a small and modest path, gently winding around the curves of a sea shell? When you’ve planned to lazily drift down that path at his side with a soft smile permanently at home upon your lips. But then, the tide comes and slowly fills your path with shimmering sand, the water becomes a little murky yet you calmly begin spooning it out with cupped hands in an attempt to recover the only path you’d known.  But all to no avail for when your brow furrows with a rapid panic, the tide sweeps back your path with greater force and it becomes but a lost shell swept up in the muddy waters of a foamy whiteness.  You walk down that shore in search of some comfort, something familiar to find that the sea goes out for eternity and whatever path you had in mind is forever lost, like so many others under the waves. So now you’re left sitting in the wet sand wondering what you’ll ever do from here on out. And while there’s a friendly shadow smiling at your side, it’s only a shadow.

It may be a bit abstract, but that’s how I feel. The future I know we once both felt so sure of has drifted away and I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s all I ever planned and now imp left questioning what I even want anymore, since the only desire I had is simply unattainable. When I feel lost and lonely, you may be unsure of your direction, but at least you are content to follow wherever it leads you while I’m sitting here stubbornly cross-legged in the fork of the road because the only path I wanted has disappeared and I can’t bring myself to my feet and start to walk off in a new direction.

the looming danger

Here I am sitting on my bed propped up with lumpy pillows that need washing. Laying amongst my half open books and papers, I sit under my ceiling, still covered with glow in the dark stars, windows covered with curtains I made myself in sixth grade. I remember finding the perfect fabric, an aqua fleece with swirling waves, I remember how I had to ship the fabric from Nebraska, and had been so happy to find it. Now, I see the uneven seems, most of which have come undone and unraveled, so that the ends are now all frayed and the sun has faded them so a cucumber shade. Sitting here, with my un-brushed teeth, my unwashed face, my uncombed hair, and dirty clothes, I am. I’ve slept in till two, missed my roller derby practice, and spent my day with a box of cheezits, some chocolate hearts gifted to me on my seventeenth birthday from my mom’s boyfriend, and three mini cans of dr. pepper.  I’ve remained in this same position for most of the day, with book and flashcards trying to memorize defense mechanisms of the immune system, but instead only busying myself with my munchies and surfing my favorite blogs. 

Today I’ve realized that I only have three months left of my junior year, which shall be celebrated with 4 AP tests, the SAT, the ACT, and two SAT II’S.  then to be followed by becoming a 6^th grade camp counselor  in Oregon for a week, throwing a surprise going away party for my graduating ex boyfriend, possibly accompanying him to China for a week or two, becoming a page at the library I’ve been volunteering at every summer since 8^th grade, possibly becoming a life guard at the old pool I used to do swim team at or volunteering through the red cross, or volunteering  at UMC , or conducting a bio research internship at U of A, and then trying to figure out where the hell I want to go to college and trying to visit all those places on a budget, and start drafting my college app essays, then start senior year, take my capstone classes, talk to my school counselor about college, go to more college presentations, retake my sucky SATs, figure out what I want to do for my senior research project and thesis, travel to whatever part of the world that involves, oh yeah, apply to college, get in (hopefully), somehow muster enough cash to go there, and after all that, pray to God that I made the right decision since I’ll be there for the next four years of my life.

Seriously, it’s not easy being a student you know. It’s not easy battling the constant feeling that you’re stupid. Especially when you go to the supposed #1 public high school in the nation and are surrounded by smart ass slackers getting the top grades, knowing what they want to do, being involved, actually having friends, and seeming so unfazed by this aura of stress looming over my head. How and when did high school get so competitive? I mean really, clearly from this entry I do this too, but what happened to actually having a life, preferably a good one? I’ve had a solid B in math for as long as I can remember. This year in calculus I’ve done every homework, got semi ok grades on most of my tests,  but whenever my teacher actually calls on me my brain just falls out of my ears or something, and the only thing that comes to mind to answer her questions is just some incredibly stupid and incomprehensible babble. This is a problem for me in most of my classes. Teachers, okay after you teach/explain a subject I will remember it forever and know how to answer the test questions but why the hell do you feel the need to prey upon me before you’ve even covered a subject? And why must you call upon me right as I look down at my notebook adjusting my graph in my notes, so that at that precise second I did not hear the question even though I swear I was listening and have to ask you to repeat it as my face immediately turns hot and an unflattering shade of red, and my dear-in-the-headlights eyes will terrifyingly look up at yours, which are now fiery with silent rage? Okay I’m sorry I’m just dumb but I’ll try my hardest so don’t kill me, will you?

I’ve risen from the dead and I cannot believe how old I am.

A couple weeks ago I turned 17 and it just freaked the hell out of me. At my birthday they put 18 candles on my cake for the one to go one rule and it was plain terrifying. Where did my life go?!?! I’ve spent all of high school not that happy because I’m so socially awkward and then in a flash it’s nearly over. What! I just finally found friends and have a semi-there social life. I finally picked up my grades. And I’m just exhausted all the time and I haven’t even begun to get extracurricular yet. I think I’m going to go finish my homework now. And study for my SAT. And figure out where the heck I want to go to college. And how on earth will I pay for it. And what the hell I want to do with my life. Wtf. No biggie. That’s totally doable you know. Ahhhhhh! God I can’t believe how lazy I’ve been I need to get to work now. And study for my AP tests. And then figure out what to do with my summer.  And I need to utilize every ounce of that summer and do something freaking amazing and make college admissions actually notice me. Okay I’m going to go now before I waste more time and before my brain implodes. I’m going to actually try to blog from now on okay!