It’s time to smell the roses.

I have been quite the grouch lately and generally unhappy but too stuck in my own little circle of frustration to realize I am the one making myself upset and I am the one who can chose to stop.

Recently I have met many incredible people; there’s the one who was going to be forced into the Ukrainian military, denied his rightfully earned scholarship in Kiev, and had his high school transcript taken by the government until he got a green card here and is now studying nursing and has been traveling all over the U.S. just trying to figure out what he wants to and where. 

The one who had been stuck working as a nanny in Ukraine because the government took her money and she couldn’t find a job even though she had a degree in food science (or whatever more formal and eloquent title that has) but then found love and came here only to have her husband die a year later and be stuck alone in a foreign country and not knowing what to do with her life (although now she has moved to Nebraska, found a job, and some friends and seems to be settling in nicely J).

 Or the one who married her husband after exchanging a few romantic letters only to find he was really an angry and abusive man with a pocketful of girlfriends and be unhappily stuck into that marriage for about 15-20 years, have a child with him and somehow manage to raise her son into one of the most honest, humble, and just incredible people I’ve come to know, finally stand up for herself and file for divorce, find a new love, and now trying to figure out how to get a job, care for her health, finance her son’s education, and stay in this country.

The one who grew up running from home to home, discovered a love for nature and hiking, been a father figure to many more people than he knows even though he swore he could never be a father, and helping a vast majority of these listed persons as each of them came across his path.

There are so many others too.

Generally I just feel inspired by all these people around me who have had to face struggle yet been shaped into the most kind, gentle, and ever-helpful people I have come to know.

I feel ashamed at shutting myself in my room putting every ounce of energy into my studies and not stopping to get to know any of them to now. I’m also embarrassed that here I have confined myself into my downward cycle of pain, always looking at the half empty glass, while I’ve had a far more fortunate youth yet not managed to find the joy they see in simple things.

I want to be a more open person. I want to do something with my life. And most importantly I think I want to dedicate my life to helping others. I am thinking about being a social worker, or a doctor, or who knows what else, but definitely a career where I get to help improve the lives of others, for that would make me feel like I have had a really lived a successful life, even if I could just  help one person.

I decided what I wanted to do this summer: I want to become a volunteer at Casa de los Niños and IRC, and tutor children in summer school at my old elementary school. That’s a start at least. However, I am really tempted to take on my most ambitious idea yet: for my senior research project and Thesis I want to help rebuild Japan.

This is going to be a super quick post because I have a shit load of work to do right now but have to let some steam loose.

It’s just that we spent such a great portion of our lives together and now that that’s over I feel empty, have no one to talk to and just don’t know what I’m even trying to do with my life right now.  Sorry for being so dramatic but I just don’t know what too without you. It’s been months but I still cry over you every few days and I’m absolutely positive that you never felt hurt or sad throughout this whole ordeal. The only pain you ever felt was for me because you didn’t want to hurt me.

 I just feel so fucking stupid. You tried to make it easy on me—you said you wanted to be best friends, I thought we would be lifelong friends; you said you had fun with me. But those times are over. We never speak in school, you never call me, and if I do you end the conversation in a few brief minutes, don’t answer at all, or barely say anything because you’re just playing your stupid video games. Typing this, I cringe. This is never who I wanted to become. Since when am I the stupid ex you’ve been trying to ditch but just let go of you?

 You really don’t care about me at all anymore. At this point I really just want to be friends. Really that’s all but you don’t even care. This is so sad but I don’t even blame you. I’m not interesting or funny or anything. I started this blog because I wanted to let out who I really was but I don’t have anything to let out besides depressing entries of my bleeding heart. And I feel like I don’t even have friends to rely on. My only friends are closer to you than myself and I just really can’t take listening to you guys laugh and joke and them wearing your jacket or putting their head on your shoulder.

I don’t even want to publish this but fuck this shit I just want to spill my guts even if I don’t like what’s coming out. Next time I WILL write about something different because i need to find something within myself besides you.